


All Of My Memories Keep You Near

by lullabelle_moon



Category: Les Misérables (2012), Les Misérables - All Media Types, Les Misérables - Victor Hugo
Genre: Drinking, Grief/Mourning, M/M, References to Sex, Sad Enjolras, enjolras is not coping too well, give it a chance, please just give it a chance?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-28
Updated: 2014-04-28
Packaged: 2018-01-21 04:17:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1537217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lullabelle_moon/pseuds/lullabelle_moon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Enjolras isn't really coping with Grantaire's death. <br/>(Title from a Within Temptation song)</p>
            </blockquote>





	All Of My Memories Keep You Near

Enjolras wrapped his arms around himself and stared at his shoes. The water was still dropping from his hair into his eyes and down the back into his shirt. He closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths; starting when the hand touched his arm.

"Sorry sorry. Didn't mean to scare you."

Enjolras stepped away slightly from the older woman standing next to him; her umbrella was covering them both and she gave him a warm smile.

"Are you waiting for someone?"

Enjolras shook his head,

"Are you okay?"

He nodded quickly and wrapped his arms around himself more tightly.

"I don't think you are. Listen this is my shop. Behind us. Would you like to come in? We're closed but I can make you coffees...warm you up a bit until the rain stops."

Enjolras looked from her face to the small coffee shop. He opened his mouth and the woman smiled,

"I'm not going to hurt you. I just can't live with myself if I leave you here and you die of hypothermia."

Enjolras' face dropped at the words and the woman touched his arm again,

"You're not okay are you?"

He paused before shaking his head,

"What's wrong? Can I help?"

His voice was gravelly and his words quiet,

"You can't help. No one can."

"What happened?"

He looked at the woman and felt the tears burn behind his eyes,

"He's dead. My boyfriend's dead."

 

_"Do you think I should shave my head?"_

_"Don't you dare."_

_"Why not?"_

_Enjolras put his arm up and let Grantaire climb into the bed and snuggle next to him. He tangled his fingers in the man’s hair and smiled,_

_"I like your hair."_

_"Yeah?"_

_"Mmhmm."_

_"What else?"_

_"What?"_

_"What else do you like?"_

_Enjolras put his book down and sighed,_

_"We're not doing this again."_

_Grantaire smirked,_

_"Why not?"_

_"Because we did this the other night. I like- I love everything about you."_

_"Even my hair?"_

_"Especially your hair."_

_Grantaire grinned and reached up to kiss Enjolras,_

_"Just making sure."_

_"You're a loon. Now shush I’m reading."_

_He picked his book up again and returned to his page; his hand now gone from Grantaire’s hair so he could entwine their fingers, fully aware that Grantaire was grinning to himself the whole time._

Enjolras stared at the wall before him. His shirt was hanging in the kitchen and the sweater that the woman had given him was too big. He didn’t look up when she sat back down beside him and placed a steaming mug before him.

"Kid?"

He tore his eyes from the wall and looked at her,

"My names Enjolras."

She smiled softly,

"Enjolras. I'm Jeanette."

"Jeanette."

"You wanna tell me what happened?"

"I don't remember getting here. Is it late?"

"It's about half seven."

"Half...seven."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah."

"You said...your boyfriend...?"

"Grantaire."

"Grantaire...what...you said about him..."

"He's dead. He died. He died and I wasn't there. I wasn't there to save him."

The woman reached out and touched his hand,

"Can I call someone for you? Someone must be looking for you."

"Do you think he's angry?"

"Who?"

"Grantaire.""

Enjolras sniffed as the first tear fell down his cheek,

"Do you think he's mad at me?"

"Oh honey no. I'm sure he's not."

Enjolras scrunched his nose and looked down at his lap. Jeanette looked at the table and reached for his phone,

"I'm gonna phone someone for you okay? You have...a lot of missed calls. I'll call one of them. Who is...Combeferre?"

She looked back at the man and rubbed his arm before standing and dialling the number,

"Enjolras? Where are you? You okay?"

"Um...hello? My name is Jeanette. I have your friend here."

"Oh...hi. Hi sorry. Hi. Is he okay?"

"He's okay. He's a bit cold I think. We're at the Flower Cafe- do you know it?"

"Yes. Yes I'll be right there. Thank you. Thank you for keeping him safe."

"Don't worry. See you soon."

"Bye."

She hung up and looked at the man again with a sigh.

 

_"Hello handsome."_

_Enjolras looked up and smiled,_

_"Hello yourself."_

_He pressed a quick kiss to Grantaire’s lips before throwing the cloth in his hands over his shoulder and leaning on the counter._

_"Good shift?"_

_"Alright. Busy."_

_Grantaire took his hands and grinned,_

_"My beautiful working boy."_

_Enjolras shook his head,_

_"I hate it but I gotta pay the bills somehow."_

_"And I am very proud."_

_"I'm beginning to see the plus side of a trust fund. It's terrifying."_

_Grantaire chuckled,_

_"My poor baby."_

_"Tell me it gets easier."_

_"It absolutely gets easier."_

_"Are you lying to me?"_

_"I am absolutely lying to you."_

_Enjolras dropped his head and groaned; pulling a laugh from Grantaire that seemed to silence the room._

_"I'm sorry. I promise to make it up to you later."_

_Enjolras lifted his head again and smiled,_

_"And there’s my silver lining."_

_A customer walked in and Enjolras pressed a quick kiss to Grantaire’s hand before taking his hand back and heading to the till._

 

"Thank you for keeping him safe. I'll return the sweater."

"Oh don't worry. Just get him home and warm."

"Thank you."

Jeanette touched Enjolras' arm again,

"I'm so sorry for your loss."

Enjolras looked at her for a few moments and nodded,

"Thank you."

Combeferre smiled at her and helped Enjolras out of the cafe.

 

_The smell of cooking hit him when he walked in. He dumped his bag by the door and pulled his jacket off,_

_"R?"_

_"Kitchen!"_

_He hung the jacket up and walked in; stopping in the doorway to smile at the sight before him. Grantaire was by the stove stirring a pot; his sleeves rolled up and his hair pushed back._

_"Good day?"_

_"Yeah got that essay finished. Freed me up for tonight. How was yours?"_

_Grantaire smiled at him and turned the heat down. Enjolras walked over and kissed him,_

_"It was good. Hit the gym after work then decided to come here and seduce you with pasta and sex."_

_"Mmm my favourite."_

_Grantaire nodded as he leant in for another kiss._

_"Mm foods nearly ready, pour the wine."_

_Enjolras smiled and grabbed the bottle from the table,_

_"Wow, actual cork. Did I forget an anniversary?"_

_Grantaire laughed,_

_"I can be classy and have non screw top wine."_

_"You can?"_

_"Shut up!"_

_Enjolras laughed and grabbed a tea towel before opening the wine and pouring two glasses. He handed one to Grantaire and smiled,_

_"What shall we toast?"_

_"Hmm...To beautiful boyfriends who know exactly what their partner needs."_

_Grantaire smiled,_

_"To love?"_

_Enjolras put a hand on Grantaire’s waist and clinked their glasses._

_"To love."_

_They took a sip before kissing again,_

_"Love you."_

_"Love you more."_

_Grantaire felt his cheeks grow hot and smiled into another kiss before turning back to the pan,_

_"Grab the plates I think it's ready."_

 

Enjolras stood in the doorway of the bedroom and stared at the bed. It was still unmade. Grantaire’s shirt lay on the pillow, just where he'd thrown it before grabbing a different one. Enjolras looked at the nightstand where the half empty bottle of water sat next to the book Grantaire had been reading. He turned slowly and walked back to the living room where everyone was sitting.

"You alright?"

Enjolras shook his head,

"I can't...I can't go in there."

Courfeyrac moved slightly on the couch and Enjolras sat next to him. He put his head in his hands and sighed. Courfeyrac rubbed his back slowly.

"We had a call when you were out. The uh...the FLO said that his...that Grantaire is ready to be...to go to the funeral home."

Enjolras lifted his head,

"Can I see him?"

Courfeyrac looked at the others,

"Well..."

"We don't think that's such a good idea."

Enjolras looked at Joly,

"Why not? I wanna see him. I wanna say go-i wanna see him."

"Enjolras with the injuries he...it's not him."

Enjolras stood up and rubbed his face,

"I wanna see him. Where's the number I’m gonna phone them."

"Enjolras they're shut you won't be able to do anything until the morning."

"I don't care. I'm phoning them. That officer...Fiona. She told me to phone if I need anything."

"Yeah but it's not a good idea."

Enjolras grabbed his phone and took the card from the coffee table,

"I'm phoning her. You can't stop me seeing him. No one can."

Before anyone had a chance to stop him he shut himself in the bathroom and locked the door as he dialled the number.

 

_"Stop tickling me!"_

_"Thought you said you weren't ticklish?"_

_Grantaire’s laughter filled the room as he tried to wrestle Enjolras off him._

_"You're a monster!"_

_Enjolras rolled them until he was straddling him and pinned his arms above his head,_

_"I win."_

_"Get off me!"_

_"Say I win."_

_"You win! You win!"_

_Enjolras leaned down and pressed a kiss to his nose,_

_"Say I'm the best."_

_"You're the best."_

_"Say you love me."_

_"More than life itself!"_

_"Promise."_

_"I swear on my own life I love you more than anything."_

_Enjolras pressed one last kiss to his nose and sat up,_

_"I love you too."_

_Grantaire flashed a grin and wrestled Enjolras to the floor,_

_“You’re gonna pay for that.”_

 

The room was a strange colour. Green walls and a white ceiling. Not very comforting. The officer placed a hand on Enjolras' shoulder and squeezed it.

"Take all the time you need. I'm going to be right outside."

Enjolras nodded.

"Thank you."

She smiled gently at him and nodded to the man standing before the door. They moved aside and let Enjolras in. He walked into the room and stopped for a moment before walking over to the hospital bed where Grantaire lay. The blanket covered most of him and his arms were on top of them; his hands placed on top of each other. Enjolras gasped as the tears fell from his eyes. He walked closer and reached out to run his fingers through Grantaire’s hair.

"My love. What have you done eh?"

His other hand covered Grantaire’s and he tried not to think about how cold they were.

"You still look okay. I promise."

He sniffed hard and rubbed his face on his arm,

"I'm sorry it took a while to get here. They wouldn't let me in before now."

He stroked Grantaire’s hair again and gripped his hand,

"What am I gonna do without you? How am I supposed to carry on?"

He shook his head, unable to stop the tears that flowed constantly down his face.

"I'm not strong enough for this R. You were the strong one. We both know that. And now I have to go out there without you. How the hell am I supposed to do that?"

He took his hand from Grantaire’s hair and covered his face as the sobs ripped through him. He couldn't stop it. Couldn't stop the scream that bubbled up and came from his lips. His knees gave out and he fell beside the bed. One hand still gripping Grantaire’s as he clutched his stomach and screamed again. Suddenly there were arms around him and someone was trying to calm him down. He struggled against them and pushed them away before scrambling to his feet and pulling Grantaire up and against him. He sobbed into the man’s neck as the person tried to calm him again. He heard them shout for help before he screamed again.

"Please don't go. Please don't be gone. Please I'll do anything please. Please. Please don't be gone."

 

_"Did you know that your floor was this comfortable?"_

_"I...did not. You sure you don't wanna sit on the sofa?"_

_"Nah I'm good."_

_"You're very strange Grantaire."_

_The man grinned up at him and put his arms behind his head. Enjolras chuckled to himself and climbed from the sofa to lie beside him. He rolled slightly and rested his head on Grantaire’s chest._

_"Grantaire?"_

_"Yes?"_

_"Can I tell you a secret?"_

_"Of course."_

_"Promise you won't tell anyone?"_

_"I promise."_

_Enjolras leant up until his lips were against the man’s ear,_

_"I’m afraid I've fallen in love you."_

_Grantaire looked at him,_

_"Really?"_

_"Really."_

_"Thank fuck for that I thought it was just me."_

_Enjolras opened his mouth only to be rolled onto his back and kissed deeply._

 

Whatever they had given him was strong. He opened his eyes slowly and tried to lift his arms,

"Tied me down."

Combeferre looked at him and shook his head,

"You're not tied down. Just tired. Have a sleep."

"Where am I?"

"Hospital. You had a bit of a..."

He rubbed his red eyes and sniffed,

"It was a bad idea to let you see him."

Enjolras' words were barely above a whisper,

"I forgot to say goodbye."

His head dropped back and he was asleep. Combeferre pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed.

 

_Enjolras sat back in the cushions and watched Grantaire as he worked. The man stepped back slightly to look at the canvas he had been working on all morning and Enjolras smiled,_

_"What?"_

_"Huh?"_

_"I can see you smiling? Is something wrong?"_

_Enjolras shook his head,_

_"It's beautiful."_

_He looked Grantaire up and down,_

_"You're beautiful."_

_Grantaire tucked the pencil he was holding behind his ear and grabbed another paintbrush,_

_"Now I know something's wrong."_

_Enjolras smiled again,_

_"Shut up. I mean it."_

_"Hmm."_

_"You're beautiful Grantaire."_

_"You're insane Enjolras."_

_Enjolras climbed from the sofa and stood behind Grantaire; wrapping arms around his waist and kissing his neck,_

_"You're beautiful to me."_

_Grantaire turned in his arms and wrapped his own around Enjolras' neck,_

_"You're a filthy liar."_

_"How do you put up with me?"_

_"I have no idea."_

_Enjolras smiled at him,_

_"Promise you'll always put up with me."_

_"Promise you'll always lie like that."_

_"Always."_

_Grantaire leaned in and kissed him._

_"I love you so much Enjolras"_

_"I love you too."_

_"Mmm good. Then let me work."_

_He pushed Enjolras away and turned back to the canvas. Enjolras laughed and sat back on the sofa to watch him again._

 

"He awake?"

"Yeah. He's in the bedroom."

"Oh he's finally-"

"Other bedroom. He won't go in his."

"Oh...is he getting ready? We have to be at the crematorium soon."

Combeferre shrugged,

"I don't...I don't..."

"It's okay. I'll go see."

Combeferre nodded and turned away and wipe his eyes. Eponine swallowed hard and took a breath before walking to the bedroom. She paused before knocking and opened the door. Enjolras was standing in front of the bed holding two ties. He looked up at Eponine and held them up,

"I can't think which he'd like more. The...the red one was his favourite but it’s not appropriate. Not...for a...and-and the blue one he said made me look good and I want to look good for him...I don't know what to do."

Eponine walked over and hugged him tightly. Enjolras pressed his face into her shoulder and hugged her back.

"I'm so sorry Enjolras. I'm so sorry you have to be here right now."

"I just want him back. I want him back."

"I know you do. I know. I do too."

"I hate that man for what he did. I've never hated anyone as much as I hate him."

"Me too."

Enjolras pulled away and shook his head,

"Maybe I shouldn't wear a tie."

Eponine caressed his face and smiled gently,

"Wear the blue one."

Enjolras sniffed and nodded,

"Yeah. The blue one is good."

Eponine took the tie gently from his hand,

"Here. Let me."

She put the tie on for him and looked at his face for a moment; her hands running down his arms until they met his wrists. She held his hands and nodded,

"He'd be proud of you."

"No he wouldn't. Not if he knew what I was thinking."

"Enjolras..."

He leaned in and pressed a kiss to her forehead,

"Thank you for coming Eponine."

He pulled away from her and left the room.

 

_Grantaire always laughed after they had sex. At first Enjolras was put off by it; thought that maybe Grantaire was laughing at him. After a few times however he grew to love the sound._

_"You're laughing again."_

_"I'm happy!"_

_"You should be. Nearly wore my jaw out on you."_

_Grantaire elbowed him,_

_"Rude."_

_Enjolras looked at him and grinned,_

_"Now who's laughing?"_

_"Guess I'm happy too."_

_"Guess you are."_

_Enjolras caressed his face and sighed contentedly,_

_"Do you think one day in the future when we're an old married couple we'll still have sex like this?"_

_"God I hope so. What would be the point otherwise?"_

_"Never change R."_

_Grantaire pressed a kiss to his jaw,_

_"Never will."_

They walked in silence to the crematorium. Enjolras stopped for a moment until Joly slipped his hand into his and squeezed it,

"We can do this."

Enjolras nodded and started walking again until someone called his name. He turned and came face to face with Grantaire’s mother. He let go of Joly's hand and cleared his throat,

"Hi."

She walked to him and hugged him tightly,

"Thank you for being here."

"Of course."

She pulled away and cupped his face,

"You have no idea the comfort I take in knowing that he was so very loved."

Enjolras nodded and bit his lip to keep from crying. Grantaire’s mother smiled sadly at him and stepped back. She pulled a small velvet bag from her purse and put it in Enjolras' hands,

"I want you to take this."

"What is it?"

She looked down at their hands and ran her thumb over his,

"It's a lock of...of his hair."

Enjolras looked down at the bag and opened his mouth. Grantaire’s mother sniffed,

"We have one as well."

Enjolras nodded and squeezed her hands,

"I miss him so much."

"I know...I know you do."

She took a breath and nodded,

"That...that man who hit him has been charged. He'll pay for what he did."

"I hate him."

"He'll be suffering with this for the rest of his life. That's enough."

"But Grantaire’s not here."

"No...But you are."

Enjolras nodded again and she leant up to kiss his cheek,

"You'll be making your speech?"

"Yes. Yes I have it."

She nodded again,

"I'll see you inside."

She let go of his hands and walked away.

 

_"You gotta be kidding me."_

_Grantaire stood before Enjolras and laughed,_

_"You wanna dance?"_

_"Yes. It's a party, dance with me."_

_"You can't dance."_

_"I can slow dance. And listen- slow song!"_

_Grantaire drained his beer and shrugged,_

_"Come on then stud. Let’s dance."_

_He took Enjolras' hand and let him lead them onto the dance floor. Enjolras pulled him closer and pushed his arms until they were around his neck. Enjolras put his own arms around Grantaire’s waist and began to move. Grantaire smiled at him and tightened his arms until there was no space between them._

_"See? I can dance."_

_Grantaire nodded and leant in to rest his head against Enjolras' shoulder._

_"You okay?"_

_Grantaire nodded and smiled,_

_"I'm happy."_

_Enjolras grinned,_

_"Me too."_

 

Enjolras cleared his throat and stood behind the podium. He looked at all the people that had turned out to say goodbye to Grantaire and froze. He looked down at the speech he'd written and took a breath before folding it and putting it back in his pocket.

"People...people talk about love at first sight. You always get speeches like this that open with 'I saw them across a room and knew that I would love them forever. That's not what happened here. I didn't love Grantaire when I first met him. He was a pain in my ass. He talked and laughed through every meeting we had. I hated the guy. He got under my skin and it drove me mad."

He swallowed and smiled to himself,

"Then. Then one day he uh...he wasn't there. He had work to do or something I don't know. And it bugged me. More than all his annoying habits. His not being there made it worse. I couldn't focus. I couldn't...I uh I went to his place and I was all ready to fight him about it and he opened the door and he was covered in paint, and he had these stupid sweat pants on and I just...I couldn't think about anything other than the fact that he wasn’t wearing shoes."

The crowd laughed quietly and Enjolras smiled to himself,

"I couldn't yell at him. I couldn't do anything. I just stood there until he let me in. He started getting worried that I'd had a stroke or something. And I looked at this man. This ridiculous man and I thought...'you are so amazing. How did I not see this before?' It wasn't love at first sight. Love came later. And love will never go away. I love him with my entire heart and my entire mind and my entire soul. I love him more than anything in the entire world. And I miss him. I really fu-"

He stopped himself and whispered sorry,

"I really miss him. I miss the sound of the radio in the morning and him singing along. I miss the smell of coffee and the sound of him burning himself on the toaster again. I miss the texts during the day reminding me of things that I always forgot. 'Don't forget to take a break' 'don't forget to pick up milk' 'Don’t...don't forget to post that thing.' He always seemed to remember all those little things that I never could. I miss his laughing at stupid things on TV. The way he would complain that the news was on but he'd still let me watch it. I miss how he smells. How he always had paint on his skin no matter how many times he washed. I miss the way he'd steal all the covers at night. Every time. I could have two separate duvets and he'd still manage to end up wrapped in both."

He rubbed his eyes and sighed,

"I really miss him. And I'm never gonna be able to have those things again...none of us will. It wasn’t love at first sight. But it was true love. That ridiculous man who could find humour in everything no matter how low he was. He went from being the man who annoyed me the most to being the man I would...to being the reason I woke up every morning. I fell in love with his spirit. With his laugh. With his smile. With his inability to let things get to him. He saved my life in ways I can never explain. He's...the love of my life. I'm sorry this speech was supposed to have a point."

He rubbed his head and looked at everyone,

"Grantaire may not have been a great man. History books won’t remember him. But he was the greatest...he was my strength. Remember him. Please. As the good person he was. Remember his smile. His laugh. His mind."

He took a deep breath,

"This is really hard."

He looked to Combeferre and shook his head,

"I can't do it. I can't finish. If I finish he's really gone."

Combeferre jumped up and went to his side. He put his arm around Enjolras and helped him down back to the seat where he sat with his head in his hands.

 

_"Enjolras? You alright?"_

_"Yeah...yeah I'm fine."_

_"You look lost."_

_"No I uh...did I leave my keys here?"_

_"Your...keys?"_

_"Yeah."_

_Grantaire raised an eyebrow,_

_"You're looking for your key so you came here in what I can only presume was...your car."_

_Enjolras felt his face grow hot and he shifted on his feet,_

_"Fuck."_

_Grantaire leant against the door frame and grinned,_

_"So why are you really here?"_

_"Uh..."_

_"Did you...did you miss me?"_

_Enjolras straightened,_

_"No. Of course not. I don't miss people."_

_"You missed me! Aww Enjolras!"_

_Enjolras lifted a finger,_

_"I did not miss you. I just...thought I'd left my keys. Why would I miss you? I saw you 12 hours ago."_

_"Did you count the hours?"_

_Enjolras couldn't help but grin,_

_"It appears I've dug myself into a hole here."_

_"I missed you too."_

_"Did- you did?"_

_"That stupid?"_

_"Hope not."_

_"Wanna come in?"_

_Enjolras nodded and allowed himself to be pulled close to Grantaire. He kissed him gently and smiled. Grantaire bit his lip before speaking,_

_"I figured a way to not miss you."_

_"Oh?"_

_"Would you like to move in with me?"_

_Enjolras leant in and brushed their noses together,_

_"Yes."_

 

Enjolras looked down at the card and swallowed hard. Courfeyrac squeezed his shoulder,

"What's that?"

"S'Grantaire."

"What?"

Enjolras looked up at him,

"His parents they uh...they scattered his ashes at the seaside where they used to go on holiday. But...they sent some to me. They thought maybe there was somewhere we went that he'd like to be."

"That's...lovely."

"I don't know where to do it though."

"Well you don't need to decide just yet do you? You can wait and see. Until then you can still visit his grave."

"His empty grave."

"It's more symbolic."

Enjolras took a breath and nodded. His fingers reached up to touch the chain around his neck; he gripped the locket he'd placed Grantaire’s hair in and bit his lip.

"Does it get any easier?"

"In time."

"How long?"

"I can't answer that one I'm afraid."

"It's not getting any easier."

"It's only been a couple months. You'll get there."

"I miss him Courf."

"I know you do. But he hasn't left you. Not really."

Enjolras nodded; closing his eyes as Courfeyrac pressed a kiss to his head,

"I'm gonna watch a movie with Combeferre- you wanna come?"

"No...No it's alright. I have some work to do."

"Want me to stay?"

"You don't need to babysit me. Go have fun."

"Okay."

He stroked Enjolras' hair and grabbed his jacket,

"If you need me. You call me okay?"

"Okay. Thanks Courf."

He smiled at Enjolras and headed out.

 

_"What would you have done if I hadn't kissed you back?"_

_"When?"_

_"The first time."_

_Enjolras rolled onto his front and looked up at Grantaire,_

_"You wouldn't have kissed me?"_

_"Of course I would've. I'm just wondering."_

_Enjolras moved until he could rest his head on Grantaire’s chest._

_"I probably would've avoided you for a long time. Then just accepted my fate and remained single until I died."_

_"For real?"_

_"Well...I would get a cat."_

_"A cat?"_

_"It's company."_

_Grantaire smiled and ran his hand through his hair,_

_"You gonna be crazy cat man?"_

_"Absolutely."_

_"Guess it’s a good thing I kissed you back then."_

_Enjolras climbed up and straddled him,_

_"Guess it is."_

 

"You got a plan?"

"For what?"

Joly shrugged,

"Future."

Enjolras yawned,

"Think I'm gonna take that job in the city."

"You should. It'll be good for you. Maybe meet some more people."

Enjolras frowned,

"What do you mean meet people?"

"Well....I mean it’s been nearly a year. Don't you want to...meet someone?"

Enjolras looked around at everyone.

"Is that what you're all thinking? That I should meet someone else? That I should forget him? Just move on and forget him."

Combeferre sighed,

"No one is thinking that Enjolras we...we're worried about you that's all."

"Why?"

"Because you haven't even made the bed."

Enjolras swallowed and looked down,

"I don't..."

Cosette took his hand gently,

"Sweetheart no one is saying you need to move on or forget him. But maybe...deal with this?"

"I am dealing with this. And who the fuck are you to judge me anyway you didn't even know him."

"ENJOLRAS."

He looked at Marius and sighed,

"Sorry. I'm sorry I didn't mean to...you know what I'm gonna go."

He stood up and rubbed his face,

"I am dealing with this the best I can okay. Leave me alone and let me deal."

He ignored the protests from the others and pushed away everyone that tried to grab him on the way out.

 

_Grantaire climbed from the shower and grabbed a towel. Enjolras turned the water off and followed him._

_"You know we might be single handily saving the world with all this water sharing."_

_"Yeah I don't think that's how it works babe."_

_Enjolras pulled Grantaire close and kissed him,_

_"Sure is fun though."_

_"Damn right."_

_Enjolras smiled into the kiss and gripped Grantaire’s hip._

_"You wanna try saving the world some more?"_

 

Enjolras stood in the doorway of the bedroom and stared at the bed. Still untouched from the day Grantaire died. He rubbed his face and turned away again. Taking a few shaky breaths; he sat on the couch and gripped the cushions before dissolving into quiet sobs. By the time the tears stopped it had grown dark. He sat up slowly and pushed his hair from his face. He looked around and sighed,

"I'm a mess R. I miss you."

His gaze landed on a bottle of vodka on the side. He chewed his lip and stood up. Grabbing the bottle he opened it and took a gulp. He coughed and covered his mouth as the liquid burned its way down his throat.

"Fuck."

He rubbed his face and took another drink, followed by another and another until the burning stopped and he no longer felt the pain in his gut.

 

_"Your boyfriend is getting riled up again."_

_Grantaire looked up from the paper he was reading and grinned at the sight of Enjolras deep in conversation with a suited man,_

_"He's certainly passionate about this rally."_

_"Guess he wants it to go well."_

_Grantaire watched as Enjolras argued with the man; standing straighter when Enjolras caught his eye. Bahorel elbowed Grantaire,_

_"Are you even listening to me?"_

_Grantaire tore his eye from Enjolras and blinked,_

_"What?"_

_"Jesus...you got it bad."_

_"Got what bad?"_

_Enjolras had appeared by their side and Bahorel tipped his beer toward him,_

_"Good job pissing off the lawyers there Enjolras."_

_Enjolras smirked and shrugged,_

_"They need to listen."_

_Bahorel grinned,_

_"And so they shall. Excuse me."_

_He disappeared into the crowd and Enjolras turned to Grantaire,_

_"You were watching?"_

_"I was watching."_

_"And? The speech? Was it...was it good?"_

_Grantaire grinned and threw his arms around Enjolras' neck,_

_"Got me believing."_

_Enjolras smiled at him,_

_"That might be the best thing you've ever told me."_

_"How about I love you?"_

_"That's a good one too."_

_Grantaire pursed his lips then grinned again,_

_"How about I have never been so proud of anything or anyone than I am of you in this moment?"_

_"That's...yes. That's good."_

_Grantaire kissed him,_

_"I'm so proud of you Enjolras."_

 

Feuilly opened the door on the second ring of the bell,

"Enjolras. Jesus are you okay?"

Enjolras swayed slightly and grabbed the doorframe.

"I don't think I'm coping too well Feuilly."

The man grabbed his arm and helped him in,

"Come on, let’s get you sobered up. What have you been doing?"

"I found a bottle of Grantaire’s. Thought it might make it go away."

He helped Enjolras onto the sofa and knelt in front of him; taking his hands he spoke softly,

"Make what go away?"

"This...all of this. This just...blackness that's everywhere. I can't breathe anymore. I can't see the point anymore. I need to see a future and I can't. It's gone. He's gone Feuilly. What am I going to do?"

He broke down again as Feuilly pulled him into a hug.

"It's okay. It's okay. Let it out."

"I can't do this anymore. I'm not strong."

"Yes you are. You are. Grantaire needs you to be strong now. He needs you to be strong and to live."

"I can't Feuilly. I can't without him, it's too hard."

Feuilly pulled away and cupped his face,

"Look at me. Look at me Enjolras. You can do this. You are the strongest person I have ever met and you can do this. He'd be so proud of you so far, so proud and you just have to hang on a little bit longer okay? And I promise you. I promise that it’s gonna get better. And you won't feel like this. I promise."

"I can't Feuilly. I can wake up without him anymore. It's not fair. It's not fair that he's gone. He was so good."

"He was. He was and so are you. This is not how you end. You are good. And kind and strong as hell and you can do this."

"I don't want to anymore. I'm tired. I'm so tired of missing him."

Feuilly shook his head and pulled him into a hug again. He rubbed his back slowly and whispered in his ear over and over until the crying stopped and Enjolras relaxed in his arms. He lay the man down on the couch and covered with him a blanket.

 

_"You're staring at me."_

_"Not staring. Watching."_

_Enjolras opened one eye and looked at Grantaire,_

_"Why are you watching me sleep?"_

_"Because you're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen and I had to take a moment to appreciate that."_

_"Flirt."_

_Grantaire smiled and edged closer,_

_"What else am I gonna do at 7:30 in the morning?"_

_"Mmm sleep is always good."_

_"Do the others know how bad f a morning person you are?"_

_"Do they know how annoying you are?"_

_Grantaire trailed his fingers gently up Enjolras' arm,_

_"Tell me to stop then."_

_Enjolras watched the man’s face for a few moments and smiled gently,_

_"You know I can't do that."_

_Grantaire smirked and moved his hand so his fingers trailed over Enjolras' cheek and down to his lips,_

_"Such beautiful lips."_

_He pulled his bottom lip down with the pad of his thumb,_

_"I can't believe I get to see this when I wake up."_

_Enjolras reached out and touched Grantaire’s cheek,_

_"You...”_

_He leant in until their lips almost touched,_

_"Are so lame."_

_He pressed a quick kiss to Grantaire’s lips and climbed from the bed. Grantaire threw his pillow at him and laughed,_

_"Asshole!"_

_Enjolras turned around and grinned,_

_"Love you too."_

 

Enjolras looked down at the bed sheets in his hands and sighed. He opened the bedroom door and froze,

"You don't have to do this now if you really don't want to."

"No...No I need to. It's time."

Combeferre rubbed his back,

"Need a hand?"

"Uh...no. No it's okay. Go get dinner and I'll...I'll be done when you get back."

Combeferre rubbed his back once more and left. Enjolras took another breath and entered the room. He put the bed sheets on the dresser and moved to the window, he opened it wide and turned to face the bed. Grabbing the shirt from the pillow he brought it to his face and breathed in the fabric. His heart sank as he realised it smelt like dust, it didn't smell of Grantaire anymore. He put it in the basket Combeferre had dropped by the door and turned back to the bed. His eye landed on the nightstand and he picked up the bottle of aftershave that Grantaire used. He opened it and closed his eyes as he breathed in the smell. The smell of Grantaire and the rush of memories made his knees weak and he put a hand against the wall. He put the bottle back down and cleared his throat. Shaking his head to clear it he began stripping the bed; balling up the sheets and throwing them into the basket. He didn’t stop until the fresh bedding was on and the night stand was clear of everything except the aftershave and the book. He ran his finger over the cover and smiled to himself,

"I'll let you know how it ends."

He looked around the room before closing his eyes,

"Are you still with me? You haven't left really have you?"

He was answered with silence and nodded,

"I miss you."

 

_"Okay one more! One more and I'll stop."_

_Enjolras at back in the chair and watched as Bossuet threw another peanut at Grantaire; the man caught it in his mouth and threw his arms up as the group laughed._

_"I am the king of this game!"_

_Enjolras couldn't help but laugh; the beers he'd been drinking had made his head light and he smiled at the feeling. He let his head drop back against the sofa; starting when Grantaire sat on his lap,_

_"Hey stud. Having fun?"_

_Enjolras smiled and put a hand to his back,_

_"It's a beautiful night."_

_Grantaire chuckled and leant in close to his face,_

_"I think someone is a little drunk."_

_"No no no...Maybe."_

_"Maybe!"_

_He laughed as he kissed him, the feeling in his chest making him want to scream with laughter._

_"You're blushing."_

_"I'm...really happy."_

_Enjolras laughed as he spoke and Grantaire kissed him again._

_"I'll get you another."_

_He made a move and Enjolras wrapped his arms around him- keeping him down._

_"Don't you dare go anywhere."_

_Grantaire cupped his face as he kissed him,_

_"Never will love. Never will."_

 

The letter came as Enjolras was about to leave. He read it with a smile before heading out. He didn't get it out of his pocket until he was stood before the grave.

"Hey you. Missed you."

He sat on the grass and crossed his legs. He ran his finger over the small urn he had placed in the ground and poured the rest of Grantaire’s ashes into.

"I uh...I had to come see you today, got some good news this morning. I wanted you to be the first to know. I got a job. It's in the city so I can come see you still."

He stroked the stone,

"I wish you could see the place I'm gonna be at. It's really nice. I'll have an office. Put pictures of us up."

He looked around,

"I changed the room around. It got too...I needed to change it. And Jehan painted it. Blue. Light blue though."

He sighed,

"I miss you. I didn't do dinner last week. Felt a bit stupid celebrating our anniversary on my own. But I lit the candles like you wanted. And I uh...we had wine. The guys all came round. We missed you. It doesn't get easier R. It just...did I tell you that someone asked me out? Said no of course. But still..."

He looked down at his hands and nodded,

"I uh...I wasn't gonna tell you but...I had a present for you. I got it before-before everything you know. But um...I was gonna propose to you. On our second anniversary. I hid the ring. And then I found it again...thought...if you don't mind that I would wear it. Not like I ever wanna be with anyone else so it won't matter. Do you mind? Thought I'd get it engraved with your name. Maybe. I don't know. Maybe not."

He took a breath,

"Thing is though...I'm not too sure where to go from here. I always thought my story ended with you. And now you're not here so...I don't have an end."

He sighed heavily,

"I'm pretty damn lost Grantaire. I have no idea if I'm doing the right thing anymore. You're not next to me telling me when I'm being an idiot. And the others won't do it anymore. Think they feel sorry for me. Guess I didn't realise how much I needed you."

He stroked the stone again,

"Wherever you are…I love you."

He felt it like a breath on the back of his neck; a quiet reply meant only for him. He smiled to himself, his mind at rest at the knowledge that Grantaire had heard him.

 

Grantaire stood before the grave and smiled down at Enjolras. He got on his knees and pressed their foreheads together; if he focused enough he could almost feel it. He ran his hand over Enjolras' head and smiled,

"Oh Enjolras. You have no idea."

He looked at the man before him and smiled,

"I love you too."

He leant back as Enjolras looked around, relaxing as he saw the smile on the man’s face; it was alright. Enjolras had felt him. He smiled and moved around to take his usual place at Enjolras' side. He'd decided long before that there was nowhere else he'd rather be.


End file.
